You can put up with a lot in challenging relationships, but the thing that is the kiss of death is contempt: contempt for what you say or don’t say; contempt for your choices; contempt for how you relate to other people; contempt for everything important to you. The snide, snarky, sarcastic comments; the lightning-quick anger; the labeling and comparison with her previous boyfriends/husband; the universal put-downs; none of these make you feel glad that she’s on your team, or that you’re on hers.

And you try to always remember: it’s not about winning or losing, it’s about understanding. Too bad she hasn’t gotten that lesson. And at this stage in her life, she is unlikely to learn it.

The whining about her physical ailments, her claims about her anxiety being a physical ailment when it’s clear that in her case it’s psychological, her obsession about everything haven’t to be clean-clean-clean (no clutter, no storage containers, everything that isn’t being currently used has to be scheduled for disposal in no more than three months, or you’re imposing on her….), all these bespeak a troubled personality.

And so I ask myself: why do I put up with this? Do I think that my patience and tolerance and understanding will produce a positive effect on her, turn her into a kinder, gentler soul, or will she continue to grind into me at every opportunity she gets? After 10 years, I think to myself: enough is enough. And so I plan ways to make my exit, with dignity and grace, and with hopes that her life without me will be better. But for me, I know that my life without her will be my salvation…